I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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