I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
