After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
