Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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