fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
