I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
