Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He shit in the fireplace
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
