I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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