Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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