I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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