Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
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The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
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