update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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