LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
