Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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