i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
