Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
