God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
