I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
