you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
