the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
