My cat gives me a boner
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We are all done wearing pants today
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
