if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
