My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
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you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize