I feel like abortions should bother me more
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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