Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
True strength comes from lack of pants
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