when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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