last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
