Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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