you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
