I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
