Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
