paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Michael Bay diarrhea
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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