I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
