Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
