Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
