Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
