did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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