why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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