listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
