I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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