Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
