Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize