You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
