paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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