yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
