im about as happy as oj after his trial
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
