I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
