dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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