Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
