I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
