winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
