We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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