i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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