Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
