I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
