Three words: puerto rican gang bang
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
