I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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